In my feelins..*warning*

I’m bout to get in my feelings right now so if you don’t wanna be semi – depressed along with me don’t read any further
. It seems like everyone has somebody but me. It’s the worst because I wan’t someone to go to functions with and chill with but I just cannot imagine myself married and I have the hardest time making real friends. It’s like everyone has that person they grew up with being friend forever with and they do everything together. The only people I have like that is my best friend Tiny.. and my sister in law Twyla and they are both married. Ugh. It’s semi inappropriate now for me to even visit my BF too much because she is married. I got scolded so much for hanging out with single sisters when I was married.. it’s really looked down on for the fear the married sister will start to have single thoughts. Or want freedoms that can no longer be obtained per her status. Same thing with Twyla, it’s a little easier because she is married to my brother so I can be like ‘forget Jermaine let’s go” and he would not care. If they moved I could visit as often as I want because ‘that’s my brother’. Jermaine wish I would ask his permission to roll up.Even though I would ask out of respect I just know he would not care and of course I would still not abuse it duh. But who else is there? Me and my sister hardly get along for more than an hour around each other. My mom is married and I don’t wanna spend too much time around her and Terris all the dang time when I get back. I can’t be myself around anyone else. I’m shy and guarded and feed off of other peoples vibes and alot of times I feel like people’s vibes with me are ‘stuck up’ or ‘they are above me’ or something like that. I feel like I’m invisible and people walk around me to get to others. No matter how much I reach out it’s always been like that for me. Mainly in the cong. mentioning the cong …by my luck everyone in my hall is married. And I mean every…single…last…person.. no lie. Except for men. I can’t hang out with married women nor can I or would I be comfy chilling over someone’s house I’m getting to know with her and her hubby. How strange is that? I’m supposed to have a husband on my side so that he can entertain the other husband and me and the wife can hang but I won’t have a hubby for a long time. I’m just not ready and don’t know if I will ever be. It’s not even a desire. I want the desire. I really do but I can’t force myself to CREATE the desire to be married. It is the most frustrating feeling ever. Feeling like there are broken pieces inside of you that only the new system can fix.

Last night at the meeting the book study was talking about being molded by Jehovah. I was thinking to myself “I wonder if I am that piece of clay that is just too broken and I cannot be worked with” but not in a spiritual sense but when it comes to marriage or my view of mates. I feel like that broken piece of clay that cannot be molded and is not malleable. There are so many things that my mate would have to have that I don’t feel should be negotiable.
Being able to support financially without my help
Spiritual minded
Go getter
(great sex) not that I would even know until it’s too late
ECT ECT I could name alot more but if I said that out loud to someone they would tell me
that I am unrealistic and should have several seats. But I don’t think the stresses of marriage are worth not having everything you want at least from the beginning so say ‘at least I covered all bases.

This brings me back to the friend issue. I want a husband so I won’t have to always rely on having a friend to go to the movies with, hop on a cruise with, go to the beach with. Everyone is moving on with life with their mate and doing those things WITH THEIR MATE and fellow other married friends. I just feel so out of the freaking loop. Even though I’m good now , my Bf hasn’t mentioned anything to me about her hubby not liking me visiting too much in the past or hanging out with me because I’m single but you never know what conversations may come up in the future so I’m preparing myself pretty much. As for my brother and his wife my brother needs to move away from his family and focus on Twyla without a lot of interference. They need to grow together and do things together more. But at least they have someone to lean back on. I just don’t know what my future holds, it’s not written yet. But I am going to just try to live each day at a time. I know everyone has their stresses. I was just reading someone’s blog that TO Me seems like a perfect couple. But she still wonders if he loves her the same, and if he is still attracted to her, why he does not hold her the same way , why they are not longer close as they used to be, how conversations have dwindled. Then it’s ok again. Then back to those emotions. So I understand that with life comes something that you will struggle with. I have a great crowd of friends I could hang with when get back and that I did hang with before but, I was thinking last night we are just cut from a different cloth. The only thing we have in common is spirituality when I get mine 100% back. After all I have been through though I probably won’t reach out to them when I get back. I would feel judged because I don’t think they would take a sex education class in school for fear of thinking the books are pornography. LOL!! Sike just kidding but not really. But yea they are just ….I don’t want to say ‘too good’ *cringes* for me but I don’t think they understand me or can relate to me. For instance a guy I was talking to in Maryland. Never been in trouble before..never in the back nothing. Every time I would have the slightest concern “Rely on Jehovah” “Rely on Jehovah” – yes I am relying on Jehovah but in the mean time can I just voice that my back hurts? Jeez. Jehovah is not gonna bring his hand down and crack my back just let me vent for 2 seconds without bringing up a scripture about how Jesus healed the sick and there will be no more sickness or pain. —That did not really happen but every time I complained or voiced something I felt like that scenario was happening. There is a time and place for everything. —wow I really got off subject what was I talking about??

Yea so that pretty much sums it up. Lol. I could have just said that right? But of course I always take the long road. I like for people to understand what I’m saying then say it so it sounds better.


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