I feel very undecided with my life. Don’t get me wrong I love life and everything that comes with it. I’m happy I wake up every morning but I’m talking about in a different sense. I’m pretty much unsettled on a lot of stuff.
- My job
I honestly really love my job. I really do. When I started at Anthem I was ecstatic that I was hired. After many bonuses, raises, and changes in positions I live comfortably. Richmond is cheap so even though rent is only $735 and I have a two level spacious townhouse a working car and some splurge money I still feel unsatisfied. I wonder if I’m thinking too materialistic and not understanding living a simple life. I want more. Not more as in a benz or the latest everything. More like I want a car that does not make a clicking sound sometimes, I want to be able to go out and buy a laptop because I really need one (not want one) need one, I want to be able to not have to budget to see if I can splurge when I travel so not to be dead broke when I get back home, I want to be able to go out and buy findings for my jewelry without having to give myself a small budget for it. I want to pay off a $2500 loan that I have been paying on for 5 years and have more like paid $5000 probably after interest. It’s just a lot. I just want to keep my head above water for a little while. Maybe I was spoiled when I lived with my mom. All my paychecks were free for the most part. But hey this is ‘adulthood’.
- Love Life
Honestly no one makes me happy. Or brings out that joy in me. I’m not sure if I even have it in me. I don’t know what I’m looking for , I never thought I would say this but I really just want a man to love me for me. I think I yearn for it so much because I was missing a dad. I have never had a man who I felt like no matter what..had my back. ‘No matter what” Even my ex husband took his parent’s side over me ‘always’. I feel like that’s why I keep messing up. I keep thinking or feeling like , If I can get close then this person will love me unconditionally but I’m disappointed each time. Granted I want to like the person back. I know there are guys that will do that for me, but I have to want them to. Nowadays to say that you are viewed as picky. Sometimes I feel like, maybe it’s my personality. Is my personality unlikable? Am I ‘too something’ that only people talk about behind my back? Why is it I can have great conversation with the guys I don’t want but words seem to disappear when I meet a guy I really like. I need to settle these feelings, because I keep looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe I do just need to chill out for a while and completely shove love out of my mind. Maybe then it won’t disappoint me. One thing is for sure, I have to be able to trust you. And now, I don’t trust easily I just don’t. Especially if you have lost it once. I’m really done with Tony to the fullest degree. I have no desire to ever contact him again and there is no way he ever can. He is just never going to have it together. I think he is a good person only because I know the insides of him but that is not enough. The outside actions are terrible. Anyways he does not have my # and I deactivated my Face book so there goes that chapter. So it looks like my future mate will be someone of my future and not my past. The drama at the convention really helped me. What is true love. It’s finding someone who you have a foundation with spiritually!! It helped me to see that, if someone is not doing anything with Jehovah before you marry them (miracles happen) but it’s a good chance they won’t after you marry them. Def food for thought. Man I enjoyed that convention!!
I do not want to live in Va anymore. I’ve been saying this for years. Probably 5 years I have been saying this. My bones want to just get up and GO. I honestly would not care. I love my family and I would miss them but I am capable of getting up and going to California and not thinking twice about it. Everyone else is settled in life. Not me. There is nothing holding me from going anywhere I want to go. Except money and a job . That’s it. Money and a job. How is it i can do that in Richmond but not anywhere else. Why would it be so hard?? I just need to go. I am not happy in Richmond and I don’t think I ever will be. A lot of people I know are in Maryland but I don’t want to move there either if I don’t have to. I feel bad saying this but I just don’t mesh with a lot of people there. I don’t know why I just don’t. All the parties and black and white parties, and blast, and ect ect have been going on since I was 15 years old and it’s just old to me. Who travels up and down the east coast for these random parties? I don’t get it never will.
I guess I feel unsettled on this because of my current situation. I’m sad because my friend told me yesterday that , he wanted to live religion free for now. Someone that was raised in the truth. I don’t know why but, it made me have an epiphany. He has not been dealt with even though he has a live in girlfriend. I guess he just has not gone to the brothers yet. It made me realize something though. At first I was kind of upset because I really felt like I was trying and should have been given a second chance especially due to so many that just straight up don’t care Ie: the friend on subject . But it made me realize that even though I am on discipline I’m actually better off than sometimes that actually has not been dealt with and that yes can still associate with everyone. I realize my spiritual weakness and I’m working on it. I’m making my way back I’m constantly thinking of ways to make myself better. I’m always thinking of the next step to get closer to Jehovah. I still pray. I have not missed not one meeting. I made my convention and I listened intently!!!!!!……………………………………………………………My point is this: even though it may seem for now that some are ‘getting away’ with things while they still fellowship and have advances that I don’t I am progressing and I feel like I am in a good place with Jehovah. I have to be confident that Jehovah knows my struggle. He knows the reason I do things and why I keep messing up. He knows it’s not sexual for me but emotional. Jehovah knows I WANT to do right so bad. I just have to put myself in a position to make him proud. Back to my friend, this world will make you say and do things you never thought you would say and do. I understand how he got lost though. I almost did. Sometimes you are just so tired and worn out. You are tired of trying to do right because it is such a struggle. I was watching this commercial yesterday on drug use. The kids from school were saying it was easier to just give into the peer pressure than to fight it and that’s what Satan wants. He wants us to crumble under the pressure. Jehovah never said it was going to be easy. This system of things is so quickly coming to an end. My friend said that he wants to live religion free “at least for now” . Well what’s for now really mean? For 5 minutes? 5 days? 5 years? We don’t know when the end will come so why not constantly even if you DO fall always be trying to make it back or make changes? It is HARD but I am up for the fight. I just don’t want to be done away with in this system of things. Over my dead body! PUN INTENDED!
On a brighter note. I was walking downtown and came across an Art Walk. I spoke to the lady in charge and supposedly I am on the list to get emailed for the next event so I can showcase my jewelry. These are some pieces have made. The picture quality is kind of bad but I’m going to get some better lighting and a backround and do things more professionally once I get a website up.