On my mind..

I was flipping through the channels last night before going to bed and landed on the new season of Love and Hip Hop ATL. *Blank Stare* is the best way to describe the 5 minutes I watched. I am upset I cannot get those 5 minutes of my life back. I was curious as to how stupid the women are this season because last season Olivia got on my nerves crying about how no one will buy her record the whole dag on time on every single last episode. No one is going to support your career on pity. Granted she said that they only showed those parts and not the parts where she was hustling. *sure* – So the first girl that they showed was some executive’s girl or something I don’t know who he is but he works with all the top artist. I felt embarrassed for her because he took her to go look at her “surprise” on the outskirts of ATL out in the country. It was a beautiful home and he said it was for “her”. She then went on to get irritated saying “ Why do you keep saying the house is for me and our daughter and not for US” – He proceeded to call her ungrateful and asked her do you want it or not? I understand where she is coming from. Basically she saw right through his “gift” because he is trying to move her out in the country far away from the city so he can do his dirty dog stuff. She called him out on that. Switch scenes to lil scrappy baby mother. Ok so lil scrappy has had a infamous relationship with fellow rapper Diamond that also resides in the A. Now check this- Diamond then went to cheat on lil scrappy with Soulja Boy and have a public relationship with him (oh the irony) so he goes back to where all men go back to …the baby mamma. Who’s there waiting with a child? The baby mama. SMH. Who actually took him back? The baby mama. Who asked him a naïve question “If Diamond would have never cheated on you would have came back to me?” Lol say it with me THE BABY MAMA. The look on his face said *if she ask me this one more time*. I’m like ok.. did you really just ask that. The answer is NO fool!- I turned the channel and thought about what I said yesterday. The stupidity of these people and their scripted talk annoys the living mess out of me. The things people will put up with and endure baffles me. I have had my share of Negros screwing me over but hey at least I know how to cut someone off and call it a day. So yea  min of my life wasted but a reminder of why I have sworn off those shows.

:Moving on:

I talked to my grandmother in bmore yesterday and told her the news. She said family is still family and she loves them and she cannot go not talking to them. – Well that’s my grandma for you. If it’s one thing she just cannot do is agree with that arrangement. I know heart is good and she means well. We had a very good conversation. We talked about everything. I cried when expressing to her that I NEED my father. We both expressed our frustration with Daddy going to the meetings and then stopping. My heart hurts so bad when she tells me that he is working so hard and sleeps all the time and does not have much association with anyone. Sucks. No one wants to imagine their parent in such a state. I just wish he would get his life together. I block it out though, nothing I can do about it. We then went on to talk about a issue that no longer bothers me as a adult. My grandmother always finds a way to bring up my mom or something she did not do right ect ect. It’s annoying but she is stuck in her ways so I defend my mom and move on. I love my dad he is a good person I understand that at times we waited for him and he didn’t show and I realized it was because he tried but had problems finding someone to drive to get us. I get that but I am a adult now and the “your mom wouldn’t let him see you” does not work anymore. My mom had our bags packed and us fully clothed waiting for him. It’s not her fault and it’s not his fault. Just a bad case of events and not having transportation. I’m 25 for goodness sakes I don’t care anymore. Anyways she was venting her frustration of when she gave up when apparently my mom didn’t allow my brother to go to Disney World because of his grades. She said my mom then said “You can take Janay” – IF … IF!! My mom did say this it’s because my grandmother treated Jermaine (my brother) like flowing gold and acted like I had never even been born. It’s almost like she didn’t even recognize me as family but some annoying pet running around. I never got the same love from her. So IF my mom did say that she was taking up for me and my want of also wanting nice things…toys..vacations that my brother got and I didn’t. Now I don’t know. She said she didn’t bother taking me to Disney because I was too young to appreciate the experience. I told my grandmother I said – I feel like you did like Jermaine more than me , I feel like you didn’t really love me all that much. I remember visting and my brother had so many toys I could not walk on the floor oh …oh yea in the room that she has built on the house for him.. I couldn’t even see the floor. That visit I didn’t get anything. She said it’s not because I didn’t love you it’s because Jermaine was the first born and I fell in love with him the first time I saw him as a baby and I was just closer to him. I was like I understand that grandma because I have a closer bond with my cousins first born because I babysat him from infancy. I don’t really have a close bond with the other two children and I do usually pick him up more. So from a adult standpoint now I kind of understand. That does not take back from me feeling that way growing up though. What matters is I no longer feel that way and I can understand her love NOW. So when I call my grandmother I always prepare myself for these conversations. She is deeply hurt that my brother does not stay in contact with her. Ok I told her I don’t even see Jermaine but probably once a month. That boy works like crazy and does not even have a cell phone.I hurt for her but Jermaine was hurt too when her and my father stopped calling for years. I remember about 5 or 6 years going by without a peep. Not a peep from either one of them, and I refuse to believe my mom kept them from us. My grandmother told my mom to “drop dead” in court for taking my daddy to the courts for child support. I’m sorry if I believe my mom over you. That’s just the way it is. She carried me for 9 months… she fed me.. she provided a roof over my head..she loved and hugged and kissed me unconditionally first born or not. My mom does not have a mean bone in her body. NOT ONE. I wish to be half the woman she is one day. My whole point to her was I’m grown now.. let bygones be bygones. Move on from it. She told me my cousin Marcus is not living in Florida with my apostate uncle…and inactive *great*. I was almost upset but I didn’t get upset. Marcus was very depressed. I did not like him being in Aunt Kims house because of all the monotony. Anyone can get in a depressive mood when you can’t find a job… the neighborhood is dangerous…and you have nothing going for yourself and you are 22 yrs old. Moving to Florida I think was the best move. It’s bright..sunny ..hot…full of life..beaches… everything. Uncle Will does love him and I have to admit his new family looks very loving and he has two step sisters and a step mom. So even though I don’t like that he has left the truth… at least he is not suicidal hopefully anymore and maybe the change of pace and change of scenery will promote him to visit a congregation out there. Grandma does not want to believe that Uncle Will is an apostate now but…hey that’s her child so. He is a good guy though so you never know what the future holds. I just want my family to be ok. I want my grandma to live a lot longer..I want daddy to stop drinking and start going to the meetings again… I want Marcus to prosper… I want the best for everyone. I cannot keep worrying about everyone else because I need to keep my own head above water and grandma said the same thing. So it was a nice convo..we laughed…reminisced and I’m just happy I was able to form a relationship with her in my adulthood. She encouraged me to..well begged me.. to please visit my family out in Seattle. According to her they are so nice and she has known them her whole life. I told her I am still kind of scared to fly across the country and meet people I have never met before..and stay in their house for however long. I have had phone conversations with them so many if I can build that up and actually call them and not text , I can build a good foundation to visit in the future. We shall see.

I don’t really have any plans tonight. Will probably go home and catch up on some literature. I wanted to go to the poetry spot tonight but I don’t have anyone to go with. Sheena was supposed to go with me but she has not mentioned it and I’m not mentioning it again. Ok I am tired of typing – Until next time.

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