I have so much on my mind sometimes I just want to go to sleep so I can stop thinking for a minute. I really don’t even know where to start. I know I put myself out there alot when it comes to my feelings but I can’t bring myself to do it this time. Blogging is all about opening up yourself. I just can’t. All I can say is I really hope I choose the best route for me in life. It’s so hard. One day I’m positive in what I want. The next day that very thing boggles me. I really need to figure out what makes me happy. Right now… I smile but inside… I’m not happy. There is way too much on my mind from wanting to move.. to wanting a more exciting job that not only pays the bills but amps me up and brings out my creativity. I want to be married but I literally get weak at the responsibility of it all. It’s just too much. I want a better relationship with Jehovah. I feel like I’m always right there then something happens and my zeal is stolen again. Nothing but Satan on that one. But then again we can’t always blame things on him because we are free agents and make our own decisions. I want to go out in service more but I cannot get a routine together for the life of me. What I want in life is not what I need. It’s not going to benefit me… I can’t shake it. My friends are involving me in their drama..even though my bucket is full. I have involved myself in some things I’m not proud of but I cannot take it back. Nothing bad, just not perfect decisions. Another thing, staying chaste is the next hardest thing to holding in your pee after drinking two gallons of water.I have needs dangit.Going from married … to single. You try it.

I’ve fell off from painting and all the other projects I used to do that actually made me happy. Hobbies are expensive though….I wonder if I’m still naive being that I was fooled so badly by a ex. How do I do things differently next time? How do I love someone and want someone with all my heart again? Am I even capable? Everyone around me is so easily loving … I can’t. I’m broken. It’s just not that easy for me. People are getting married left and right ..and divorced left and right. What’s it all about? The only thing that seems to calm me in these instances is Jazz. I need to just go upstairs …lay in my bed.. and listen to my Jazz. I wonder if I’m changing. My friend just inboxed me on facebook and said ” is everything good? You seem different?” Do I?? Am I making myself approachable anymore? Is the wear and tear showing on my face or through the way I converse?

SMH. I hate Voxer sometimes. It’s so intrusive. This guy keeps hitting me on it. He got baptized at the assembly so I guess he is going full force at me now. I ignored his last text and vox. I don’t feel like being bother by yet another guy “Trying to get to know me” I’m over it. Continue to try and get to know Jehovah first. How bout that? At the meeting today I had the most random thought. I was thinking I feel like I’m in a room full of peope talking and I can’t hear myself think. You ever see one of those movies where the character is a mind reader? They are covering their ears because they just want silence? That’s how I feel but I’m reading my own mind so to speak. There are so many thoughts going on I can’t think straight. or about just one thing for a period of time.  Its too loud in my head. I don’t know what I’m missing. At 25 years old I feel like I need a new start. Somewhere doing something other than this. I need a change.I feel stuck , tomorrow will be better….Right? Or maybeI just need a vacation, away from it all.


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