I cried the other day for the first time in forever. I actually had forgotten I cried until just now when Ushers confessions came on. This was me and my ex husbands JAM! And so was the song that brought me to tears on the way home  from my business meeting in Va Beach last week. A- keys came on the radio and as I belted out the words tears were rolling in my mouth at the same time. Right after the song went off I wiped my tears and bumped my head to Raekwon. And it was over. I don’t know why I get spells like that. It only happens like twice a year. Maybe that is why I haven’t moved on emotionally, is that why I can’t “fall in love”? I would never “want” to get back with him. There was too much turmoil, we aren’t good together. We are one of those couples where we will kill each other so it’s best to be apart. In so many ways I have let him go but in so many ways I still haven’t. I really wonder if I EVER will. My best friends tells me “No” you’ll just love someone else differently. I’ll be the first one to hide this from my family. I don’t talk about him anymore and he doesn’t come up. There’s always that one song at the most random time that takes me back though…Like Diddy “I need a girl” That was our song when we were what lol 13?? 14?? smh. We had some good times, mostly bad but hey…what can ya do?

Having a first love is like being a crack fiend. That’s the best analogy I could come up with right now. Your first love is the bar, you’re always trying to match people to that feeling. It’s like the first high (not that I have gotten high) but from what I see on TV and read in books like the one I’m trying my darnest to finish now “A piece of Cake”, people are always trying to match that first high. The problem is you can’t and that’s why you spend so much money selling everything you have to obtain it. Obtain that first hit, that first rush that feel good feel. That’s what I have been trying to do, feel that same type of love. I can’t quite even “Like” someone as much as I did my first love. My heart has not been melted again. It’s been heated up a lil yea, not melted though. I think me waiting for that again is kind of insane. That’s why it’s called a “First Love” right? Well no.. that does not have any meaning. I’m just trying to make sense of this all, the only way I know how is to jot it all down and work it out. I do feel like I’m a little fiend of love and that’s why I refuse to give anyone a chance because I’m not feeling “something”. Ok I’m done with my analogy I’m starting to feel stupid and like I’m babbling and none of this probably makes any sense whatsoever! I’m just trying to figure out within myself why I don’t give a rat’s booty about love right now and if someone else “he” still has invisible string attached to it. I don’t think I’m crazy. Now I hate to compare myself to a tv personality but look at Toni Braxtons mom. After all these years her husband has remarried and everything and she is JUST moving on. Now my ex husband remarried and all and has the cutest little baby. Is he happy? Lol well … that’s for me to know and you to never find out but he married her out of loneliness a year after we divorced. Bad mistake. We simply have to live with our decisions though. I’m happy he remarried because if he hadn’t there is no way I would not have courted or married him again. I probably would have somewhere down the road. No questions asked. Of course he would have had to move but no point in going into that. But, just because I would have does not mean my family would not have killed us both and gotten rid of the bodies because they would have in a heartbeat. We cannot be together, so I’m happy there is a roadblock there stopping it. a big old wife and a son. Hallelujerrr. Lol. With all that said you can’t help what your heart yearns for sometimes. That breakup was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. I remember we broke up when I was like 14 or so. I locked myself in my room for the summer and put curtains up, I gutted my heart out actually I felt like I was vomiting my heart up. That’s pretty much what happened with the divorce. His was worse though. We both hurt and still do probably. Now this is not a woe is me post. Just simply going over things again in my head. It’s that time of the year again. I’m happy though, very happy. It’s just this one thing that’s blocking love in my life. I’ll have it worked out by the time I’m 30 lol. Ironically this is very rare and I will forget about it all tomorrow. Or actually maybe within the next hour. 

:Update 3 hours later:

I’m still feeling love sick and it’s making my head hurt. Maybe it is’nt gonna go away as fast as I thought 😦 Buy then again maybe it’s just one of those days.


Bilal – Reminisce (feat. Mos Def And Common)

Yo, just when I think that I’ve forgot you
I hear that thug that we used to rock to
Just when I think I’m gettin’ on without you
Somebody passed and asked me about you

Was in the back of the cab the other day
Swear to God I saw you walking passed the other way
My heart rushed, my face flushed, tell the driver
Hit the breaks slow the pace up, wait up, it wasn’t you

Realized it’s a mirage I was running to
Damn, can the affects of love and time
‘Cause the mind to trick the eye?
I wonder how you gettin’ by

And all the stars still in your eyes
Then you still just get the five
You break the bank to spend the time
I reminisce of shifting time, to when you was mine

Years ago, in a mist of hallways and sliding doors
Missing links of very very obscure
Vision of you shine but only for a short time
My mistake I didn’t pick up on it till years down the line

Here now as I reminisce, will I ever see your face again?
Baby as I lay back, will I ever see your face again
As I reminisce, as I reminisce

Hold still, the Divine has placed us in a small world
And thankfully so our paths cross once more
And to whose surprise but mine was 14th and 6th
Was the placed where we combine once more
There at the front door of the corner store you stood

I reminisce infection
As I lay back will I ever see her face again
As I reminisce, as I reminisce, yeah yeah yeah

A happy story always ends, as it starts
But with few exceptions involved
We became an item me for you and you for me
Good times, sickness and health
Broke ass, and richness, baby we made it work

Yes sir, yo I reminisce over this chick colder than a soda
Princess a soldier raised in Islamic culture
Sexy as the girl on the Jamaica poster
Men are over seas where there really don’t be no sisters
Brought her on stage as Bilal sang ‘Soul Sista’

In body parts the blood was thicker
Sweet only tryna make sure it ain’t the liquor
She was with a nigga come to find out
She and sister backstage, conversation kissed her
Made me forget to remember that I pimp the dime

Put the pimpin’ aside I see Kenya in her eye
Our connection lies in a life before
For us to meet again was Divine law
So I can’t describe how deep I dug her
Now only in memory can I hug her him I reminisce y’all

Oh my God


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