A Sit Down

I’m annoyed. I get the whole chase thing. Guys want to show you that they care and they are willing to do any and everything but it actually kind of gets to me when the guy wants to start being serious so soon. Whatever happened to taking things slowly?? I’m still in friend mode and they want to hop 500 steps into let’s think about us mode. I’m not annoyed at the fact that they are doing it because it is sweet and that IS what most if not ALL women want. I’m just a different complicated, unsure, light stepping, unequivocally over thinking breed that has not tackled the panic attacks in reference to things of a serious nature. If I am that way going into something someone is going to get hurt. I hate hurting people. I want everyone to feel good all the time and will go above and beyond the moon to make sure they feel loved. When I DO get to that place, it’s insane the distance I will go for someone I love and am with. That is why it’s so hard for me to get to a point of trusting someone enough so that they will not take advantage of that.  Anyways , I’m more annoyed at the reason why I don’t move fast enough to keep up with the pace of how this whole process goes nowadays. I got married young at the age of 18 and was best friends with my ex-husband from the age of 12. We were inseparable in every sense of the word. We literally breathed each other and were sometimes it seemed like one person. I skipped the whole process because I never had to go through it in such a formal way. So I think to myself , is it me? Am I so afraid of commitment that I try to drag the friend process out for as long as possible? I meet a dude or am talking to him for 5 seconds and he wants to study with me or question our future. I will go in service with you quicker than you can say “Would you like to learn more about the bible?”, but to want to have a family study with me or go over information in a private setting? And we have been on one friendly outing together?  I just feel like that is something that two people of the opposite sex do when they are in a relationship. I’m not talking about mentioning spiritual things or having spiritual conversations, in depth conversations. I ‘am 100% ok with that. But for us to go over material together having “Family Worship” I feel as though that is something a husband takes charge with , with a wife. Or an engaged or very serious couple starts practicing to get ready for the tough yet blissful union they are about to make. Studying together brings your relationship together and is a way of you and your “other” making Jehovah that third cord to “prepare” for something. This had happened to me 3 times. I am just friends trying to get to know a dude and he wants to go full force into a study regimen. Not on our first or second date. I can’t, I really can’t. I don’t like pressure. I’m still figuring myself out and my idiosyncrasies. If I don’t even understand them I cannot expect right now for someone else to.  All times this person (Person’s) has been in a situation where they themselves have a lot to work on. I don’t know if this sounds crazy or weird or puts me in a bad light but I have an extremely old school way of looking at things. I DON’T sport date. I DON’T like ending relationships, if I do I always to try get back and make it work.

 Why is it so easy for everyone else to take these leaps of faith into relationships? Then end them haphazardly. Maybe it IS just me. I need to do some self reflecting like seriously. Point black black period -“I don’t want a relationship” right now. I don’t know how clear I can express that or say it without saying it. So I kind of wish I could just chill without all the pressure. If not I’m really going to start backing off. Actually I need to do that anyways. Maybe I’m too friendly and I’m too ok with being able to do what guys can’t (take the slow platonic route). I need to be able to hang out like regular for a while as strictly friends shooting the breeze and THEN if something happens then it happens then talk relationship. People try to force love. I don’t agree with hanging with a dude with a preset motion of I hope this works into a relationship. Or maybe I just haven’t liked someone enough in that way for that to happen. I just have never gone into a friend ship thinking that off hand. I’m not that concerned with it “right now”.  People say , well when you reach that point you might have lost a good thing. Well too bad then. So I’m going to rush into something because it “might turn out to be a good thing even though I’m not ready?”    -Negative-   . I know for a sure fact I will reach that point but I just haven’t yet. Maybe it is because I was married before. I’m not curious as to how it is and or what it feels like. I know what it is. The newness wears down real life sets in so you need to be with your best friend. I would like to be married again someday yea. My feelings on it are no longer bad like it was 3 years ago. I am proud of myself! J . They used to be. Not anymore, it can be what you make it. You can only make it what you need it to be if you don’t rush and make sure you have taken care of yourself first. It’s ok people to be single. It’s ok!!! I promise you. It’s just fine. Know what you want, what you are willing to let up on as far as qualities and attributes that are important and ones that are not so much.  Just in the small amount of time I’ve been in Va want I want has changed DRASTICALLY. It used to be a time I wouldn’t even TALK to a dude that didn’t have the certain “things” I was looking for. This was my list

2009

  • Owns own place or rents
  • Living on his own for at least over a year, two is better
  • Does not live down the street from parents house
  • Has a great job, makes more than I do
  • Able to take care of all expenses
  • Extremely easy on the eyes
  • Swag
  • Has been married before
  • Friends first for at least 2 years before we can date maybe 3
  • Past just like mine, sketchy in order to understand me

That’s just a few things , not very deep huh?

2012

  • Is able to own his own place or rent, if living with parents ok but at least had to “have” lived on his own before. Nothing wrong with saving
  • Independent and able to put his woman first and family second in subtle yet respectful ways
  • Has a good job, willing to help out and take hold of the major expenses of a house hold. Not all. If all then that’s just a plus
  • Debonair (Swag will get you nowhere nor being a bad bad witness) No longer attractive
  • Able to see and understand the the dynamics of marriage. You don’t have to be married before to come to a proper understand and seriousness of it all
  • No real limit on how long we are friends first but at least a year or more if I just met you, if it happens it happens, neither one should go into a friendship expecting too much of the other.  
  • Striving and reaching out in the congregation
  • Personal goals most achieved
  • Easy on the eyes but being shallow will also not get you anywhere. What’s a cute car with no engine , when there’s a ok  car fully loaded waiting outside to pick you up
  • Gift of gab with me and others
  • Friends of his own, some mutual
  • Great reputation / bad or ill motives not preceding him
  • Kind in spirit, mild tempered
  • Temper not tolerated
  • Not an over drinker
  • Past similar to mine experience wise. Does not have to fall as hard as I did to get that.

Those are just a few things in comparison with my previous views. Of course these things go a lot deeper. I see how much I have changed retro to 2009. How much more so if I give myself time will all the above change too. You can’t rush self improvement.

 I’m not good with words so if any of this came off offensive? #Sorry.  I’m really getting tired of writing these blogs on my road to finding out what I actually want and if what I want or don’t want is appropriate , right, geared in the right direction, ect ect. Forever is a long time and I’m sure enough am not going to take or think about it lightly.

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