Haven’t felt inspired to write lately, but as usual it just hit me.
I don’t know why I called this ” Removing the duck tape” Probably because I’ve felt bound. So let’s take some tape off.
I think I figured out what my problem is. It’s not that I love too hard…nah nah… It’s the idea of being vulnerable. I like to have a little bit of control at all times. Sometimes I just want to blast “I loves you’s” and let the shards penetrate everyone around me, and symbolically paint it all over the walls of my heart. I feel like someone can and will gain too much of what’s not earned yet. There’s a lot of earning in my mind. I think that’s such a big deal in my mind because I didn’t have a dad to give me the correct measuring cup. So I just chose the biggest one, figuring you can’t have “too much” of a good thing right?
When is it ok to let “all your guards down”? I reiterate “All”-because I’ve knocked a couple of skyscrapers down. There can always be that one little brick standing though. Is it ok to leave a little tiny incy wincy few inches of a wall? I never thought I would feel this way again, or have someone understand me or practice patience with me and my past and every intricacy that comes with it. It scared me at first and I ran away like a howling dog with it’s tail stepped on. I’m no gangster or extreme victim. Yet, compared to my peers and people older than me , trust me, my past is not something easy to swallow especially since I was taught better. I’ve been a source of advice to those twice my age. Few people know what my life was really like or the pain I suffered.
There’s nothing I can’t say to him. Nothing I can’t confide in. There’s not one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t really want this good feeling to go away. I know it will come and go with arguments and disagreements in the future.
The only thing I hope is that my love is never in vain , that it’s true and of Jehovahs standards, that I get just as much out of it as I put into it… nothing less, and that I’m treated behind the scenes the way they would want to be treated behind the scenes. By writing this, I think it’s my way of working on my issue with being vulnerable.
And I think I just tackled it.